?

Log in

   
10:33pm 19/06/2006
  I got a new kitten! ^_^  
     

(Hug Me!)

 
   
08:33pm 09/02/2006
  lol @ all the guys doing that "what color are YOU?" meme. fags  
     

(9 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
10:54am 26/01/2006
  I apologise for the other day. I guess I just wasn't my usual self.  
     

(1 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
03:43pm 24/01/2006
  You know, most of you got one side of a story. After which point you'd already decided I was a horrible person.

So, to everyone who didn't bother hearing my version of events (i.e. 99.9% of you), go fuck yourselves. I can only imagine what good fortune you bring upon yourselves with that sort of attitude.

And to Daniel himself, thanks for being such an asshole and conveniantly not telling eveyone how much control you demanded over me while I lived with you. God forbid people get an accurate account of events.
 
     

(22 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
Merry Christmas.   
02:43am 25/12/2005
 
mood: okay
Well, It's Christmas, and I'd like to take this chance to say Merry Christmas to you all.

I know I've disappointed alot of you during my time knowing you, and this is me saying I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for upsetting some of my closest friends on here, including the ones who have helped me through some hard times.
This time last year I had no one offline and some friends online. Those friends either went on to hurt me or leave the net. Last year I went through a lot mostly close to the christmas time and it's made me realise how unfair I've been to quite alot of you.

There are people who I have taken the chance to say sorry to individually, and I stand by my every word. I don't ask for forgiveness. I ask for the acknowledge that I know I've done wrong and that I'm taking this chance to make it all right, even if people do not want anything to do with me. I'm glad for those who I have got and I love you guys.

The only thing I'm missing this christmas are those who I've depended on in the last year. I gained many friends and hurt alot of them. I feel foolish for doing so, and I know now how horrible I was at times and how insensitive I was.

I gained friends and lost friends, I just want to let people know I am sorry, I've repeated constantly to many that I am sorry, and I am. I'm not looking for attention I'm just trying to do the decent thing.

I hurt everyone. Everyone who meant anything to me, especially Paul. I made a decision which hurt him and although I do not regret making that decision, I do regret that I've hurt him and that I even lead him into that situation. I did care about him alot, I made the decision to try a relationship offline because I never really experienced one offline before. Practically every relationship I've had was online. As well as hurting Paul, I hurt one of my best friends Ashley. I didn't think and although I asked for her permission to date Paul, I knew it'd upset her. I thought she'd understand because she was so far away and so young. But I was supposed to be her friend. I was a bitch and I am very sorry.

In the process of starting college (as I have explained to some of you) I was unable to cope with my new responsibilities. Last year/til august I spent every day indoors on my pc with no life whatsoever. I used that time to make friends with you all and when I started college I was alot busier than I thought, I made a life for myself and although I did try to make an effort to talk to people, it was unsuccessful. I now have people who think I was ignoring them. I assure you, I'm just not used to having so little time.

I'm very sorry to Daniel, I know you thought I was unfair to you, but I had my reasons for leaving. You're a nice guy, you really are, but you aren't used to having another person living in your house that needs a social life. You don't do "sociable" offline. I know that and it just felt like being at home. You tried to control alot of things I did, you wanted to know where I was at all times, you were against my boyfriend sleeping over, you didn't really want my friends over because you don't do sociable, and you scared me when I do the smallest thing wrong. I came out here to make decisions, not to be treated like a 5 year old who needs constant looking after. I appreciate that you cared about me but in all seriousness, I'm old enough to make my own mistakes. That's the whole reason I came to Edinburgh. But I am sorry for ignoring you during the last few weeks of staying with you, my parents didn't want me to tell you I was moving out because they were scared of what you'd do, and if you'd chuck me out etc. I did what they said. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I was scared too. Regardless I'm sorry for everything.

To Bain and Kent, the whole situation with them was very complicated, although I had no interest in Bain, I did flirt. I'm sorry for putting you both in the situation that you both despised me for. You guys were both upset with what I did and it was unfair, but I'm telling you now I am very upset. Regarding the whole "she doesn't stop when she knows she's wrong". I'm sorry for that too. With friendship I wanted people who cared about me and told me subtly that I was doing wrong. Unfortunately when you know I'm doing wrong you did force it upon me and it didn't help in the situation. But I agree I was wrong in alot of the occasions you mentioned. I'm sorry.

As for Ruth, you were my closest friend since I met you and I was selfish. I tried to look out for you but you wanted Bain, I'm sorry you two didn't work out, but I know you were happy with him. I'm glad he made you happy, you deserve to be happy. I'm sorry for telling you that you were landing yourself into trouble with him. He's a decent guy and you had every right to make your own decisions. I know that now. Because I've made my own decisions I know I've got myself into some trouble from making those decisions but I can't change the past. I can only say I'm sorry.

That goes to everyone. I can't change the past, but no matter what, even though I hurt you guys, you did mean alot to me, and I am very sorry for disappointing you. I just hope you all have a lovely christmas and a happy new year. Because you guys really deserve it.

EDIT: I've removed the comments. In this entry I'm trying to say sorry for everything I've done to hurt everyone around me. Regardless of the circumstances that I may have hurt you in, I do not want to be shot down, I am trying to make an effort to say sorry. I am really sorry and I stand by that, I want no arguments. This is about me saying sorry for hurting you, not about you knowing your right and you're the victim, cause I admit that I have done a lot of shit to hurt you all. Please understand this is to let you know I'm sorry. Whether you take matters further is your own choice. But I feel it's a little unfair to do so in this main entry as it is dedicated to saying sorry to EVERYONE.
 
     

(Hug Me!)

 
   
10:31pm 28/11/2005
  Well. It's so nice to come back to a whole load of crap.

As always, one person spills one side of the story and the rest of them just keep coming out with a load of angst against the other person.

I'm sorry that I've upset many people, and I'm sorry Daniel that things had to end this way.

But you guys don't seem to realise, that there is always two sides to the story. Okay I've made some mistakes in the past and I am sorry for them, but none of you can say that you're innocent and angelic. That's all bullshit. Judging me because you're hearing a story from an administrator of the forum we all go to is bias and stupid. I'm not going to explain the story because really there is no point.

But I can honestly say that I have a life now. And if you guys are gonna sit on here and angst over what you hear then you're worse than anyone in this whole argument. I can't be bothered with all that you are saying about me. I have people who care about me now. REAL LIFE people. You guys are still sitting on your computers moaning about other peoples business.

I don't need you guys anymore. I've found happiness in where I am. My advice to you is realise that there is a whole bigger world than the internet. Living on it and resting your life upon it will get you nowhere. I'm here because I chose to be, because I got up and made it happen, with the help of Daniel and I thank him that. But all he provided was the accommodation. I got my friends, I made a life for myself. The truth is he's at home all the time, with no social life off the net and he managed to act like I was some sort of gerbil in a cage.

He disliked having my friends around, on that night he had that argument with me he called my mum for support. My mum then told me later on after all this wanting to move business that Daniel told her this.

Daniel: "Nick was in her room.. all night".
Mum: "And?"
Daniel: "She was in there all night too".
Mum: "So?"

Believe it or not Daniel me and Nick didn't actually do anything other than sit and watch movies all night. I'm 19 years old. I'm not a kid and saying to my mum that I had a guy in my room is hardly going to grab her attention for her to tell me off like I'm doing something wrong.

You invited me into your home, I accepted, but I was not something you could control, you may not have realised it but you did manage to scare the living shit out of me some of the time. Which is what drove me to move out. Not the roll incident.

As for the not telling you about moving, my mum and big sister told me not to. They didn't want me to tell you because they were scared of what you'd do. So, I chose to listen to them. If you didn't like it then tell them not me. Yes you had the right to know about it, but only when I'd had somewhere fixed. And I didn't have anywhere fixed until the night I was just about to walk out the door, and you started shouting at me. I was in a rush I didn't want to talk about it then.

Your ways of controlling how I lived didn't help me. It also didn't make my parents feel comfortable that you had to walk into my room every morning to get your work clothes. I had a lot going on in my life at that time which I refuse to talk about, and the way you acted towards me made me feel worse and put a lot of stress on me. I didn't need that, so I chose to move.

As I said I'm sorry for all of this, but there was a legit reason for it. I have my reasons and if people want to be arrogant about the whole situation then fine. But this is the end of it for me. If you can sit there, shoving your noses into other peoples business online, then I'm sorry, but you need to get a life. I've got mine. So leave me out of yours.

In all respect, I hope you have a nice life Daniel and I am thankful for the fact you accommodated me but that was all you did.
 
     
 
Smilieness   
09:57pm 18/10/2005
 
mood: cheerful
Things feel so different, I have a few things on my mind but I wont go into them :), either way I'm happy with everything.

Finally heard back from the hardship fund. It isn't much, but I'll be getting 20 quid a week ontop of my bursary, (and because I'm already 5 weeks into the course I should have 100 put straight into my account). Birth certificate too. Means I can contact the college and get them to do my bursary quicker (cause they need it ;().

Got a doctors appointment on Monday, well, I'm going to see the practice nurse, because I registered today. One of the things I should have done asap, but 1 I didn't know where I was going and 2 too busy, or everyone else was too busy xD.

Started playing Simpsons Hit & Run, falling in love with it.

I really, really, like Nick. The only thing that annoys me, is he has a habit which he's gotten used to, of being on the computer and always playing his guitar. He's not had a gf for over a year so it's become a routine for him xD.
He's worried about me. Mainly because I find it hard to talk to him about problems or how I feel. I've become so used to keeping myself to myself in real life that it's hard to tell someone to their face how I feel. He says he's going to help me break that habit. So whenever he's been playing the guitar etc, I've just tried to find something else to do, or fall asleep on his bed or my bed. Today he noticed I was a bit down and asked what was wrong. Silly me always saying nothing. When I took him to the bus stop I told him and he promised me he'd try to cut down xD so I said to him, if he can last a month spending more time with me when he's asked me round, then I'll give him a present/surprise. He's ok with it xD but he's asked me to talk to him more as my cut down.

It's quite funny, I know he cares about me for certain occasions, and it's making me really happy. Last week I was supposed to go to his, and was on the bus at night for the first time to his when not meeting him first. So I was a bit nervous and ended up missing my stop, going to the next town. He said it was a rough place and I got lost. Then cause I'd been on the phone to my mum earlier on my battery died. He ended up sprinting to the next town because he was worried I'd get hurt. Now no one else I've dated would have done that for me xD. Another thing that's funny, is he'll tell me to shh as a joke and I will, just to wind him up, and EVERY time he always and I mean ALWAYS begs me not to shut up. hehe so cute.

College is great, the only thing I'm struggling with, is music Theory. All the damn notations etc. So damn confusing.

Sally's becoming one of my close friends at college. It's nice to have someone to phone me or I can phone them to just chat, someone that I can see too. It's great. I feel great. First time ever I could say.

Daniel's still a darling :P, unfortunately I wont get to go and see Blood Brothers, which is something I was looking forward too, but I am pissed off with the fact my bursary hasn't come through yet ;( which means no money at all. So no show :(. I've got to record me singing for Daniel too, Sarah McLachlan's Angel to be precise xD. I did promise it to him ages ago. Oh well, I shall do that soon <33333333.

My birthday is 17 days away. I'm so looking forward to it. I want to go out and do something for it but I have no idea where to go or what to do or anything. haha. It'll be great either way. xD

I should have gone home for this week, but I decided not to because of the money problems. I know my mum would have paid for my ticket but she's paid over 300 quid for me to use until my bursary comes through, and it'd cost a load more for a rail ticket back here if I went home with them. I think it'd just have been much better at christmas than now. My big sister tried to make me feel guilty, or it seemed it though. Saying that my niece and nephew were really upset about me not wanting to see them. It upset me. But it's not my fault.

Oh well, that's my life up to date for now.

Toodle-PiP :P
 
     

(Hug Me!)

 
   
09:32pm 04/10/2005
  Daniel really needs to watch what he's saying.

Me: Seriously Dan you wake me up at 5 am in the morning and you will be the undead.
Daniel: Ah good, then I can just eat you.. Er, Um, That came out wrong.
Me: *laughing her head off*


I'm soooo happy.

Great Life,
Great College,
Great Friends,
Great Boyfriend :D

Man I'm loving the student life.

And to let people know, I got voted Class Rep ;D

*dances about*
 
     

(8 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
Listen To Those That Love You.   
12:04pm 18/09/2005
  Mum: "Remember, when other people are horrible you do not 'allow' them to make you feel bad, you just say to yourself 'whatever' and move on."

I love my mum.
 
     

(3 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
11:29am 18/09/2005
  http://www.livejournal.com/users/chubbzilla/71854.html

To be fair, I haven't mentioned anything about Chub since him and Ruth started going out. But when Cbc starts bringing up my personal life in the middle of a chat room, he has no right to do so. Neither do you Bain.

I tried to sort things out between you, for Ruth's sake. You didn't give a shit. So quit acting like a kid and get on with your life, and stop broadcasting things to do with me on your lj. You have no right in doing so.
 
     

(7 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
06:34pm 16/09/2005
  Something is not right.

I don't know what but lately I've been feeling a lot more down than usual.

It's definitely not college, I'm enjoying that too much.

I'm definitely not home sick, because I love my family and all, while missing them but I just don't want to go back to live lol.

And of course, it isn't Daniel.. even though he like, comes into my room with a hammer every now and then to harass me.

Something is bugging me and I don't know what.

And PiP before you get the wrong idea, you're definitely not upsetting me ok? This is something different, I'm sure of it.

I've also been getting a lot more pissed off with people online, and personally, I don't know what to do.

It's not like I can put my finger on the problem, and atm problems are a challenge to me. I'm enjoying everything too much, I just can't understand why I feel like this. Oh well.

Ken and Robin made our class go into groups for composition today. The song I created, I gave the chords to Nick and he played it for me, helping me fix a few chords. Emmanuel played the drums. I then had to sing it in front of the class.

Everyone loved it, the teachers even said it was a nice song even though the lyrics were depressing, it sounded nice. So I'll have to record it for you guys to give it to you. <3

Anyway. Toodle-pip.

Chow for now.
 
     

(9 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
09:53pm 14/09/2005
  Song I wrote for class but also for myself. What do you guys think?

Behind these eyes,
There's a different story,
A tale of heartache, lies and pain.
For all the memories in my grave,
My lonely heart, I cannot save,
Forever crying tear by tear,

But here I stand alone,
Crying on my own,
Drowning, day after day.
When the darkness closes in,
Every game I cannot win,
Where is the light I long to find?

Every angel has it's wings,
Flying so much higher,
Every angel has it's day,
While she has no one by her.
Every starlight has it's glow,
Everything this girl wont know,
She feels the sunlight as her pain,
While she's crying in the rain.

Haunted by the past
It's taking so long to move so fast,
While trying harder, I fall behind,
All the time I've tried to hold on,
There's nothing left now, it's come and gone,
Leaving the heartache deep inside.

And here I stand alone,
Crying on my own,
Drowning, day after day.
When the darkness closes in,
Every game I cannot win,
Where is the light I long to find?

Every angel has it's wings,
Flying so much higher,
Every angel has it's day,
While she has no one by her.
Every starlight has it's glow,
Everything this girl wont know,
She feels the sunlight as her pain,
While she's crying in the rain.

Where is the life I once believed in,
Where is the confidence I crave,
Leaving me breathless from my pain,
Where are my friends to hold me near,
There's nothing left but all my fear,
Fear of drifting behind in existance.

Well every angel has it's wings,
They're flying so much higher,
Every angel has it's day,
While she has no one beside her,
Every starlight has it's glow,
Everything this girl want's to know,
To take all the sorrow and her pain,
While she's crying in the rain..

Every angel has it's wings,
Flying so much higher,
Every angel has it's day,
While she has no one by her.
Every starlight has it's glow,
Everything this girl wont know,
She feels the sunlight as her pain,
While she's crying in the rain.
 
     

(3 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
02:17pm 13/09/2005
  Holy Jebus! 7 Days Til I Harass Psy! and possibly get floored.  
     

(34 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
04:51pm 11/09/2005
  All I have to say...
Die laughing...

 
     

(14 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
05:26pm 08/09/2005
  WoW. I sung Torn infront of my friends today. They were quite nice about complimenting me too haha.

Everything's been perfect. Although I don't know if I'm going to take Higher English so yeah, I may just stick with communications for now xD

I've also been nominated to be the Class Rep for NQ Music Performance. If they vote for me tomorrow after I give a little speech then woooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Other things have been happening too. I wrote this last night and didn't post it so I'm going to post it now, although only some of you will be able to see this, don't ask me why but I feel like posting the link in here too:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/lilmslenna/21867.html
Anyway! yay! go me

I LOVE RYE
PURELY BECAUSE SHE MADE ME A FIRE GANG SIG FROM LABYRINTH!!! THAT NODS HEADS!!!

 
     

(1 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
09:42am 03/09/2005
 
mood: Unwell ;_;
Okay, Friends I've made at college so far xD

Callum, Zak (real name James but he gets called Zak as it's his middle name), Gillian, Julian, Emanuel, Sarah, Charlotte, Hannah, Nicole, Haddi, Marco, Jamie, James, Russel, Kerri, Tom, Thomas, Scott, Matt, Franco, Kathryn, Sally, Sam, Nick, 3 Stevens xD, Michael, and Rachel (gawd so many names, I wonder how many I've forgotten. Hopefully none xD)

Really enjoying college,

I've signed up for the Big Band/Jazz band, so I'll be singing for that ;D not to mention I'm in the choir :D.
Lecturers are funny/really nice. People are really nice here.

Had so much of a laugh though ;D.

Currently my timetable is:

Monday: 9.00am - 12.15pm : Sound Engineering.
3.30pm - 4.30pm: Manage 1 (Music management / Legal Business side of the Music Business)
Tuesday: 1.15pm - 2.15pm: Choir
Private singing lesson will also be here but don't have times yet.
Wednesday: 10.15am - 11.15am: Appreciation
11.15am - 1.15pm: Higher Music
Thursday: 9.00am - 11.15am: Communications
12.15pm - 1.15pm: Tutor Group/Tutorial
1.15pm - 4.30pm: Group Music
Friday: 9.00am - 10.00am: Keyboard
10.15am - 12.15pm: Music Theory
1.15pm - 3.30pm: Higher Music.

Great timetable I think :D hehe

It's so fun :D

There are alot of talented people in our class that's for sure.
I'm fitting right in with everyone though ;D

Unwell atm, vicious cold after walking home from college and ended up being drenched in rain xD.
Worst of it was yesterday I'd say. I feel much better now tbh. Although I've still got teh sniffles ;_; :P

Hehe oh well ;D
 
     

(4 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
07:37pm 28/08/2005
  Well, this is it.

My new life.

I arrived today feeling happy and excited about it all.

Although, I didn't cry when I left my family, I did cry after discovering a note, left by my Mum in one of my bags.

This was the note:
LetterCollapse )

That really brougbt tears to my eyes and made me realise how much I will miss them.

Other than that I'm happy here, even though I do not have the net! :D

I'm going to have to buy Daniel an external NIC card (USB version) as he doesn't have one. *slaps*

Anyway.

This is day one of my new life.

Let's just hope it'll be a life I can enjoy and gain much from.
 
     

(12 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
12:27am 28/08/2005
  Only a couple of hours left before I leave home & move out.

Scary thought.

Next to be packed (well first I need to hurry up xD) will be my computer so bubye for now everyone <3
 
     

(6 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
07:15pm 26/08/2005
  PMSL

Doomie is sooooooooooooooo cute!

I've spent the past hour and a half praising him for his music taste. And he tried so hard to find songs I didn't have, but every single one he found I HAD!!! (except Italian and french songs). (But I don't count them ;))

I'm officially pmsl cause of it. He tried so hard to try and outsmart me, but everytime I searched through my winamp for the song I found them ;D

lmao

*pmsl*

HE EVEN THOUGHT I'D NOT HAVE : HUMAN LEAGUE - DON'T YOU WANT ME BABY.

And what I laughed at more. Is he was sure I didn't have "Sarah Brightman and Steve Barton" singing All I ask of you..... PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!!!!!!!!!

That was so silly! ;)

<3 Doomie <3333333 No hard feelings :P
 
     

(13 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)

 
   
11:42pm 25/08/2005
  Sick to death of people.  
     

(8 Hugz Received | Hug Me!)