lilmslenna (lilmslenna) wrote,

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Merry Christmas.

Well, It's Christmas, and I'd like to take this chance to say Merry Christmas to you all.

I know I've disappointed alot of you during my time knowing you, and this is me saying I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for upsetting some of my closest friends on here, including the ones who have helped me through some hard times.
This time last year I had no one offline and some friends online. Those friends either went on to hurt me or leave the net. Last year I went through a lot mostly close to the christmas time and it's made me realise how unfair I've been to quite alot of you.

There are people who I have taken the chance to say sorry to individually, and I stand by my every word. I don't ask for forgiveness. I ask for the acknowledge that I know I've done wrong and that I'm taking this chance to make it all right, even if people do not want anything to do with me. I'm glad for those who I have got and I love you guys.

The only thing I'm missing this christmas are those who I've depended on in the last year. I gained many friends and hurt alot of them. I feel foolish for doing so, and I know now how horrible I was at times and how insensitive I was.

I gained friends and lost friends, I just want to let people know I am sorry, I've repeated constantly to many that I am sorry, and I am. I'm not looking for attention I'm just trying to do the decent thing.

I hurt everyone. Everyone who meant anything to me, especially Paul. I made a decision which hurt him and although I do not regret making that decision, I do regret that I've hurt him and that I even lead him into that situation. I did care about him alot, I made the decision to try a relationship offline because I never really experienced one offline before. Practically every relationship I've had was online. As well as hurting Paul, I hurt one of my best friends Ashley. I didn't think and although I asked for her permission to date Paul, I knew it'd upset her. I thought she'd understand because she was so far away and so young. But I was supposed to be her friend. I was a bitch and I am very sorry.

In the process of starting college (as I have explained to some of you) I was unable to cope with my new responsibilities. Last year/til august I spent every day indoors on my pc with no life whatsoever. I used that time to make friends with you all and when I started college I was alot busier than I thought, I made a life for myself and although I did try to make an effort to talk to people, it was unsuccessful. I now have people who think I was ignoring them. I assure you, I'm just not used to having so little time.

I'm very sorry to Daniel, I know you thought I was unfair to you, but I had my reasons for leaving. You're a nice guy, you really are, but you aren't used to having another person living in your house that needs a social life. You don't do "sociable" offline. I know that and it just felt like being at home. You tried to control alot of things I did, you wanted to know where I was at all times, you were against my boyfriend sleeping over, you didn't really want my friends over because you don't do sociable, and you scared me when I do the smallest thing wrong. I came out here to make decisions, not to be treated like a 5 year old who needs constant looking after. I appreciate that you cared about me but in all seriousness, I'm old enough to make my own mistakes. That's the whole reason I came to Edinburgh. But I am sorry for ignoring you during the last few weeks of staying with you, my parents didn't want me to tell you I was moving out because they were scared of what you'd do, and if you'd chuck me out etc. I did what they said. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but I was scared too. Regardless I'm sorry for everything.

To Bain and Kent, the whole situation with them was very complicated, although I had no interest in Bain, I did flirt. I'm sorry for putting you both in the situation that you both despised me for. You guys were both upset with what I did and it was unfair, but I'm telling you now I am very upset. Regarding the whole "she doesn't stop when she knows she's wrong". I'm sorry for that too. With friendship I wanted people who cared about me and told me subtly that I was doing wrong. Unfortunately when you know I'm doing wrong you did force it upon me and it didn't help in the situation. But I agree I was wrong in alot of the occasions you mentioned. I'm sorry.

As for Ruth, you were my closest friend since I met you and I was selfish. I tried to look out for you but you wanted Bain, I'm sorry you two didn't work out, but I know you were happy with him. I'm glad he made you happy, you deserve to be happy. I'm sorry for telling you that you were landing yourself into trouble with him. He's a decent guy and you had every right to make your own decisions. I know that now. Because I've made my own decisions I know I've got myself into some trouble from making those decisions but I can't change the past. I can only say I'm sorry.

That goes to everyone. I can't change the past, but no matter what, even though I hurt you guys, you did mean alot to me, and I am very sorry for disappointing you. I just hope you all have a lovely christmas and a happy new year. Because you guys really deserve it.

EDIT: I've removed the comments. In this entry I'm trying to say sorry for everything I've done to hurt everyone around me. Regardless of the circumstances that I may have hurt you in, I do not want to be shot down, I am trying to make an effort to say sorry. I am really sorry and I stand by that, I want no arguments. This is about me saying sorry for hurting you, not about you knowing your right and you're the victim, cause I admit that I have done a lot of shit to hurt you all. Please understand this is to let you know I'm sorry. Whether you take matters further is your own choice. But I feel it's a little unfair to do so in this main entry as it is dedicated to saying sorry to EVERYONE.
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